Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was. Job 2:13 NIV
Understand this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Let everyone be quick to hear [be a careful, thoughtful listener], slow to speak [a speaker of carefully chosen words and], slow to anger [patient, reflective, forgiving]. James 1:19 AMP
If we live by the Spirit, let’s follow the Spirit as well. Galatians 5:25 NASB
How do you feel when there is silence in a conversation with your spouse? Does it feel awkward or uncomfortable? Do you feel a need to fill it with words and conversation? This might be something to be curious about in your own story.
Pay attention to moments when you might be feeling the need to say something because the silence feels awkward, or you want to rescue your spouse (and yourself!). Your spouse may need a few minutes of silence to process their thoughts and feelings. They may not be used to being attuned to and listened to this way, and it might take some time to adjust to it.
Can we learn to be okay with silence?
Learning to be attuned to the Spirit in each moment, knowing what is needed and what is not takes practice. Take this time of quiet in conversation to also check in with yourself and the Spirit: Where are you feeling their story in your body? What emotions come up? Pictures? Words?
May we be asking even as we breathe: What does my spouse need right now, Spirit of God?
Spirit of God, would you bring me to a place where I am settled enough to be comfortable sitting in the silence with my spouse.
When I’ve practiced the art of silence well, Scott feels that he has the room to consider what he might share with me.
In this final day of our Listening in Your Marriage Reading Plan, let’s recap the big ideas:
- When we listen and attune well, we create an environment for healing, extending the loving presence of God to our spouse.
- Our stories and emotions matter, to each of us, and to God.
- When we bear witness to each other’s stories, we each feel less alone.
- The very ways we are accustomed to responding and used to think most helpful in listening can actually be harmful and isolating. Often these are attempts to feel less uncomfortable with your spouse’s pain and move on from what feels difficult to sit with. This can impair each of your journeys, and your shared journey, toward healing and restoration. Each conversation is an opportunity to move differently together.
- Asking open-ended questions allows your spouse to stay in their story and feel seen, known, and cared for well.
- Listening and naming what you observe in your spouse’s story offers a mirror for him/her to see their story with fresh eyes, and permission to feel now what they couldn’t then.
- Leaning into the silence in the conversation rather than shying away from it creates space for engagement with your spouse. In those moments, ask the Spirit to guide both of your hearts and words as you continue.
Simply spending time together and living in close proximity doesn’t automatically lead to truly knowing one another. A continuous effort to explore each other’s desires, dreams, and the stories we carry within is essential for maintaining connection and deepening intimacy and understanding.
As you ponder all this with God today, consider asking Him:
Father, what is my relationship with silence? How do I feel in the silence?
Jesus, will you reveal to me why I may struggle with silence? Where does it come from? What is the source of the discomfort or fear of silence for me? How has this affected our marriage?
Spirit, I invite you to awaken me to moments in my story where silence was not welcomed? Where it was avoided, and Why? Help me be curious about the discomfort silence might bring for me.
