But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand. The victims commit themselves to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. Psalm 10:14 NIV

Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, that is, Christ.  Ephesians 4:15 NASB

Love one another deeply, from the heart. 1 Peter 1:22 NIV

Quite possibly the kindest and most helpful thing you can do for your spouse is to name for them what you have just heard and witnessed as they’ve shared with you. I remember when I shared a painful story with my wife and she simply said, “That is so hard.” I felt heard and joined in with my sadness, and that she was feeling along with me (expressing empathy).                                                           
Here are a few examples of naming what you’ve heard:

  • I hear how heartbreaking and painful that must be. It sounds really lonely.
  • Your body has been feeling and carrying a lot.
  • That sounds really frustrating.
  • You have endured much _____ (heartache, stress, uncertainty, loneliness, being left out, pain, sorrow, loss, waiting…). 

Responses like these help you stay with your spouse in their story and to invite more!

When something is accurately named, the body already knows it. This is how attunement works. So it can feel like a relief and a kindness to have someone else bear witness to what you know is true, but might not be able to put words to. Sometimes it’s a willingness to name hard things with your spouse

  • It sounds as if you’ve had to make yourself small.  
  • I hear such loneliness. (and I feel sad for your little girl/boy self.)
  • There was so little care for you. 

Naming it sometimes invites your spouse to feel what they weren’t allowed to feel in the midst of the situation, opening the door for it to be grieved, which can bring significant healing. Naming the themes of what you are hearing in their story can bring clarity and perspective, stripping it of its power.

  • I hear a lot of pain (fear, loneliness, etc.) in your story.
  • It sounds like you weren’t allowed to be angry (sad, disappointed, happy, etc.)
  • It seems like you have been trained to hold all of that inside.
  • It sounds like it is hard for you to allow yourself to be seen and to receive care. And I hear the loneliness in that.
  • Have you been able to name that this was abuse (or betrayal, abandonment, neglect, assault, diminishment, a bind)?  

When you courageously and kindly name something you see in your spouse and in their story, you offer them a gift of joining them right where they are and shining a light in the darkness. Naming honors hearts, minds, souls, and bodies as they have endured much. It gives words to what may have gone unnamed, unacknowledged, untended, uncared for, ungrieved, and unhealed. 

To offer this way of listening to and naming for your spouse, without judgment or blame, is a practice and skill that can be developed as we seek to care well for each other. I have experienced how healing it feels to have my wife name what she has witnessed in my story. In those moments, I have felt less alone.

We were created to care for our spouse and the people entrusted to us this way. May an awareness of the significance of naming help you to cultivate the practice of naming what you see and hear in your spouse’s stories that might help bring deeper clarity, understanding, and healing. And as you grow in discerning when and how to name things you hear and see in each other’s stories, may that help both of you explore, discover, uncover, and untangle things that may shed light on what they’ve experienced, inviting healing, freedom, and life: walking with God together.

As you ponder all this with God today, consider asking Him:

Father, where in my story has someone named something for me that they’ve seen in my story?

Jesus, when someone has named something for me, with curiosity and without judgment, how did it feel for me?

Holy Spirit, show me where naming something in my story has brought deeper clarity, understanding, and healing. Guide my spouse and me in listening and naming for deeper clarity, understanding, and healing.