Jesus asked, ‘What do you think about this?’ Matthew 18:12 NLV
Jesus asked, ‘Why are you afraid?’ Matthew 8:26 NLJesus knew what they were thinking and asked, ‘Why are you thinking these things in your hearts?’ Luke 5:22 NIV
O Lord, you have heard the desire of the humble [and oppressed]; you will strengthen their heart, you will incline your ear to hear. [you listen to their cry] Psalm 10:17 AMP/NIV
Learning how to ask good questions is paramount in listening well. Good questions- those that are thoughtful, short, respectful, pertinent, and open-ended (open-ended questions cannot be answered with a simple ‘Yes’ or ‘No’) invite thoughtful responses, stories, and opportunities for your spouse to express how they are feeling. Leading questions, judgmental questions, questions that suggest a solution, and the “Why?” questions can shut down conversation, causing your spouse to retreat.
It is also important that questions not be shot off rapid fire. Give your spouse time to ponder, to consider, and explore one question before asking another, as you listen well to their responses. Who knows what you might learn about your spouse- their heart is a deep well.
Examples of Good Questions:
- Can you put words to the tears that are starting to come?
- What about his/her words feel true or have some power for you? What sticks?
- Do you want to say more about that? (about the anxiety, the rejection, the betrayal)
- I wonder if you are able to allow yourself to be angry at what was done, what happened to you? I feel angry with you, on your behalf.
- How are you feeling in your body right now? Where are you bracing? (your gut? teeth clenched? shoulders tight?)
- If there is any confusion or doubt about what you are hearing (especially if you sense that it’s important), take the opportunity to clarify.
Ask them if you may repeat what you think you heard, so that your spouse can confirm that you heard correctly. Try to “mirror” what your spouse said. This kind of active listening is very valuable. It may be hard for you to hear their answers- you may want to explain or defend. Allow your spouse to share what they experienced, and receive the gift of exploring with them.
Jesus is our ultimate example. He asked over 300 simple and brilliant questions in the gospels, engaging with individuals of all walks of life. He often stopped what he was doing to offer care to hurting people, and embraced their interruptions. I wish I could have witnessed his body language and the love he showed as he conversed with people he encountered. I wonder how he bore witness to their stories of pain as well as their joys. Here are a few of the questions Jesus is recorded asking:
- What do you want me to do for you? Matthew 20:32, Mark 10:51 Luke 18:41, John 1:38 NIV
- Why are you afraid? Matthew 8:26 NLT
- Do you believe that I am able to do this? Matthew 9:28 NIV
Our prayer is that all of this will help you to move in union with God as Jesus did, so that when listening to your spouse, you may see an entry point into their story when appropriate, asking questions, allowing for a deeper level of engagement with and knowing your spouse.
As you ponder all this with God today, consider asking Him:
Father, when have I experienced the value of asking good, wise, kind, thoughtful questions?
Jesus, when have I experienced being asked good questions, in ways that invite deeper consideration, exploration, and connection?
Holy Spirit, when have I been engaged with curiosity and without judgment in my story? Please help me and guide me in how to be curious and open without judgment as I listen to others. May my being present to your Presence bring wisdom in the moment to know when to ask and engage, when a pause is needed, and when to sit quietly.
