Answering before listening is both stupid and rude. Proverbs 18:13 MSG

Understand this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Let everyone be quick to hear [be a careful, thoughtful listener], slow to speak [a speaker of carefully chosen words and], slow to anger [patient, reflective, forgiving].  James 1:19 AMP

Early in our marriage, I remember a quiet evening when my husband Scott and I were sitting under the stars, and he risked sharing a hope and dream he had, how he longed to run a country store. You know–the kind of place that supplies what people need and where men might gather for coffee before heading into work. He could just see it–rockers on creaking floorboards, overlooking a beautiful vista.

My response? “That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard!” And then I detailed how impractical the idea was.

He was stunned. Of course he was! My response was very insensitive, unkind, dismissive of his desire, his longing for gathering men, for a simpler life than we were living, for providing for our family. I didn’t realize it then, but he made a vow to never open his heart to me again.

This conversation happened 30 years ago, yet I can still feel the sting when I think about it; we’re reminded just how far we’ve come in the way we listen and care for each other’s hearts.

Sometimes, despite our desire and promise to love, honor, and cherish, we venture into some ways of engaging and listening to our spouses that are not helpful, and could be harmful. Over time, we develop well worn ways of interacting- harmful ruts and cycles that foster isolation. Do you see yourself (or your spouse) in any of these examples?

Like a bull in a china shop, you barge into painful parts of their spouse’s story without care, overwhelming rather than comforting, your spouse may feel run over, exposed, and afraid.

Focused on fixing, you avoid emotional engagement by offering tips or solutions instead of empathy. While well-meaning, your spouse may feel dismissed or unseen.

Shifting focus to your own experience, you unintentionally sideline your spouse’s story as you talk about yourself. Your spouse may feel ignored, abandoned, and like their heart, feelings, and story don’t matter.

Like an investigator solving a mystery, you ask rapid-fire questions, assuming your spouse has quick and easy answers. Instead of entering the story, you add pressure instead of understanding to an already heavy moment, leaving your spouse feeling like they’ve been through the wringer.

Not knowing what to say or do with what you’ve heard, you respond with silence or detachment, leaving your spouse feeling alone, misunderstood, and ashamed.

If you catch yourself responding to your spouse in one of the ways listed above, it’s okay! Don’t panic! You might default into one of these unhelpful ways (or others) as you learn and practice listening and engaging well. There is grace for each of us as we grow in offering good care.

If you do find that you’ve defaulted into one of these unhelpful ways of listening, stop, name it, apologize, and then re-engage with your spouse with kindness and attunement. Each conversation is an opportunity to move differently with your spouse.

As you ponder all this with God today, consider asking Him:

Father, please remind me of a time when I shared and my spouse did not listen well. Would you help me remember what that felt like? What did it raise up in me?

Jesus, would you help me to see where I react in some of these (or other) unhelpful ways of listening? What might be the cause for why I relate as I currently do?

Holy Spirit, where do I need to extend grace to myself for the ways I have not listened to my spouse as well as I might have?